01:10, 200910
Once again, another one of my friend has graduated. I'm very happy for them, but I'm utterly dissappointed in myself. Truth be told, if I had done properly and not be distracted in life, I would have graduated 2 years earlier from them. But instead, I've wasted too much time. And as they say, time is of the essence.
I felt like a loser and I'm so hurt.
Each time I see another graduating, I feel like an inch closer to giving up. First look, I shut it down. then when I tried to compose myself together, I'd re-opened the image, smiled at the joyfulness in their eyes and congratulated them. The only fear in me right now, is the age. Similar to the saying, it's never too late. I'll admit I'd depended on it for awhile. But after every heartbreak of seeing them wearing the square hat and the big blue clothes, I really couldn't take it anymore.
It's been so long. But only now I've come to my senses and realized that my mum had been right all these while.
Why? Why now??
I've asked myself since the huge failure. I'm scared as hell. But I've got to tell myslef that degrading oneself isn't going to help at all. Ink fact, it's just wasting more precious time.
The stress of people asking me when I'll be done, is upsetting. But, if tomorrow I'd have a better chance of surviving, I would want to prove that I, could do much better.
Because I want to. And I know I can.
All I had ot have was faith, love and bliss from the people who has got my back, through thick and thin togethe, and brought me up in an area thathg welcomes the growth, fear and endurance, discipline and self-respect that we as individuals have, in unison.
I really hope that I'd have a better opportunity here, and the success never stops, while love is still around.
To my...
- Family : 'I would like to first and foremost, apologize for the pain that I've caused, the faith that I'd failed to appreciate and the respect that I'd left behind. I wish to get all of these back and a request that I'd like to seek from your heart. Lead me to the right path in achieving my possibilities with your believe. Again, I'm very sorry. And I would like to be given another chance. As with this, I would gratefully like to produce a better result, in all the good that you know off in my life.
- Boyfriend, Suhaimi : You are the other piece of puzzle that have completed my family tree. I hope you can be the one my family has faith in.
To conclude, I appreciate the discipline, humbleness and love that I've been taught and given. It's all a blessing and thank Allah, for all of you.
With all my love,
as a daughter, sister, girlfriend.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Cold Hearted.
23:58, 110910
I can't believe you said that! How could you! What kind of a heart does one person have, and to not even have faith in someone! You... BASTARD! I honestly tried to have in you no matter how much pain you've caused to me and others. But it seems like the repeated pain just can't be contained long enough.
It's pressuring staying with you. Do you know that! I can't focus better with you trying to make me compete me with others, not understanding us, blaming others for the things that you yourself did, being a two-faced human being and you know what else?! You can have the money back. What you gave, you can take back. I don't want it. I just want my life with mama.Leave me to mama because she's the bona fide figure who risks things with love and respect.
I should have left a long time ago. I don't want to let me and mama be the victim of your secrets that others can know about. Then you taking advantage of our weaknesses like what you had told your buddies.
I don't like it. I don't want it. It's not healthy.
I want to start fresh in Singapore with mama and others, find a better rezeki here and do better in my endeavours.
Please, let me go. Just let me go.
I can't believe you said that! How could you! What kind of a heart does one person have, and to not even have faith in someone! You... BASTARD! I honestly tried to have in you no matter how much pain you've caused to me and others. But it seems like the repeated pain just can't be contained long enough.
It's pressuring staying with you. Do you know that! I can't focus better with you trying to make me compete me with others, not understanding us, blaming others for the things that you yourself did, being a two-faced human being and you know what else?! You can have the money back. What you gave, you can take back. I don't want it. I just want my life with mama.Leave me to mama because she's the bona fide figure who risks things with love and respect.
I should have left a long time ago. I don't want to let me and mama be the victim of your secrets that others can know about. Then you taking advantage of our weaknesses like what you had told your buddies.
I don't like it. I don't want it. It's not healthy.
I want to start fresh in Singapore with mama and others, find a better rezeki here and do better in my endeavours.
Please, let me go. Just let me go.
Conversion.
19:55, 200610
I don't want to sit around thinking about other guys. But I do care for you still. Yet I have to be fair. Conversion isn't something lenient. It's a serious matter. And I have to take it seriously. I don't want you to be in a sin because of this. Hence, when you showed that you didn't want to, I have to accept it. I can't force you either.
No doubt I still love you. But I don't trust you. What I don't trust is your attention toward other girls. What I don't trust is your attention toward other girls. Guess if I want to seek your attention, I can only reach until there.
There can be only a certain number of special people in your heart. But if you show too much love for the many, you'll be confused yet liking it, while others are hurt. Whatever rough words that I've said to you, I'm sorry.
So if there's any grudge toward me, let me know. I'd rather talk about it then have your emotions running wild for the wrong cause.
It's hard to say goodbye. But I wish you all the best.
I don't want to sit around thinking about other guys. But I do care for you still. Yet I have to be fair. Conversion isn't something lenient. It's a serious matter. And I have to take it seriously. I don't want you to be in a sin because of this. Hence, when you showed that you didn't want to, I have to accept it. I can't force you either.
No doubt I still love you. But I don't trust you. What I don't trust is your attention toward other girls. What I don't trust is your attention toward other girls. Guess if I want to seek your attention, I can only reach until there.
There can be only a certain number of special people in your heart. But if you show too much love for the many, you'll be confused yet liking it, while others are hurt. Whatever rough words that I've said to you, I'm sorry.
So if there's any grudge toward me, let me know. I'd rather talk about it then have your emotions running wild for the wrong cause.
It's hard to say goodbye. But I wish you all the best.
The adversity of confusion.
01:05am, 30102010.
Do you see the title? Well, another way of saying it is... - IT KILLS!
What the heart says," Stone cold. Heart-ache. Nervous breakdown. Regardless of these feelings that are tormenting me right now, a silent voice inside me still says, it'll be okay. (Hence, the title for this post.)"
I don't wish to feel this way. Neither did I ask nor even thought about this trivial quandary.
Why? Why does this have to happen?! This kind of 'cobaan' really sucks. I do believe what you said. And I do have faith. From human's perspective, patience is a virtue. But for every human, it has it's boundaries too.
I'm very sad that this happened. But when I said I have faith, I can't back down. This challenge really tests me. But does this ever fall upon you? From my view, I may see that you are chilled and preoccupied from the things that you may be more sensitive to. Have you ever thought that expressing your heart out at your own will, helps me?
At times, I feel like it's a one man show. This shan't be the way. Better yet, it should never exist at all! I do care so much as you can see. But other times, I feel like saying,' I love you. But I don't have to like you right now.'
The whole point of being as one, is to compromise. And just because it's been so long that we've made us through, neither things nor feelings have to change. Like for real, why does changes have to happen? Listen now. IT.DOESN'T.HAVE.TO!
For this to happen, the only way I could think of is to continue being there for you.Through thick and thin like how I'd promised. And I do hope that if you don't register me being here, let me know.
- It is not worth crying for the pain if it affects those who are earnest to others.
Do you see the title? Well, another way of saying it is... - IT KILLS!
What the heart says," Stone cold. Heart-ache. Nervous breakdown. Regardless of these feelings that are tormenting me right now, a silent voice inside me still says, it'll be okay. (Hence, the title for this post.)"
I don't wish to feel this way. Neither did I ask nor even thought about this trivial quandary.
Why? Why does this have to happen?! This kind of 'cobaan' really sucks. I do believe what you said. And I do have faith. From human's perspective, patience is a virtue. But for every human, it has it's boundaries too.
I'm very sad that this happened. But when I said I have faith, I can't back down. This challenge really tests me. But does this ever fall upon you? From my view, I may see that you are chilled and preoccupied from the things that you may be more sensitive to. Have you ever thought that expressing your heart out at your own will, helps me?
At times, I feel like it's a one man show. This shan't be the way. Better yet, it should never exist at all! I do care so much as you can see. But other times, I feel like saying,' I love you. But I don't have to like you right now.'
The whole point of being as one, is to compromise. And just because it's been so long that we've made us through, neither things nor feelings have to change. Like for real, why does changes have to happen? Listen now. IT.DOESN'T.HAVE.TO!
For this to happen, the only way I could think of is to continue being there for you.Through thick and thin like how I'd promised. And I do hope that if you don't register me being here, let me know.
- It is not worth crying for the pain if it affects those who are earnest to others.
Gratitide. Is it too much to ask?
23:53, 301009
Showing multiple gratitude for a little thing means something.
It touches my heart when that happens. Although I hope, you'll understand better on how much you mean to me, and not the usual adverse assumptions to satisfy one's self.
From here, it's possible to see that there's more to learn than what meets th eye. And that's okay either. The essential thing is to be able to do it together; go through it all together. Don't even thing about leaving out anything, even if it's just a small matter.Saying is easy. That's why, to step on it gives a better perspective of managing around things. Then later on, it'll be better.
Showing multiple gratitude for a little thing means something.
It touches my heart when that happens. Although I hope, you'll understand better on how much you mean to me, and not the usual adverse assumptions to satisfy one's self.
From here, it's possible to see that there's more to learn than what meets th eye. And that's okay either. The essential thing is to be able to do it together; go through it all together. Don't even thing about leaving out anything, even if it's just a small matter.Saying is easy. That's why, to step on it gives a better perspective of managing around things. Then later on, it'll be better.
Jealousy creeps..
02:22, 191009
It's the wee hours of the morning and I'm still wildly awake; blatantly aware that in 4 hours I have to get ready for work. But unfortunately, the mind is not settled to ease out just yet because there's something bothering me. Not physically, but mentally. So, to say what I'm thinking is trivial, it's not. To say that this is who I am, it's agreeable.
On mind, it's the insecurity that I highly couldn't control. Couldn't control also means automatically showing your all to the people that you care so much for; be it good or bad. I'm not saying exactly what it is because I'd rather not be reminded of it directly. Instead, I'm trying to explain by way of expression for me to reassure myself of a clearer understanding and to broaden up my thoughts for support.
Here's then quandary...
"It's okay to feel jealous, as long as you can contain and channel it in a positive manner. Keep in mind that having other girls flirt with your boyfriend is normal. Just consider it as flattery on both your parts. As long as she looks but doesn't touch, what's the big deal?
Remember that trust is the foundation for any relationship, and you shouldn't let your insecurities
destroy yours. More importantly, show your man the same respect that you would want him to show you. If you can do as you please, then so can he."
It's the wee hours of the morning and I'm still wildly awake; blatantly aware that in 4 hours I have to get ready for work. But unfortunately, the mind is not settled to ease out just yet because there's something bothering me. Not physically, but mentally. So, to say what I'm thinking is trivial, it's not. To say that this is who I am, it's agreeable.
On mind, it's the insecurity that I highly couldn't control. Couldn't control also means automatically showing your all to the people that you care so much for; be it good or bad. I'm not saying exactly what it is because I'd rather not be reminded of it directly. Instead, I'm trying to explain by way of expression for me to reassure myself of a clearer understanding and to broaden up my thoughts for support.
Here's then quandary...
"It's okay to feel jealous, as long as you can contain and channel it in a positive manner. Keep in mind that having other girls flirt with your boyfriend is normal. Just consider it as flattery on both your parts. As long as she looks but doesn't touch, what's the big deal?
Remember that trust is the foundation for any relationship, and you shouldn't let your insecurities
destroy yours. More importantly, show your man the same respect that you would want him to show you. If you can do as you please, then so can he."
Phrases: He's just not that into you.
17:13, 111110
Observations:
Anxiety. Guilt. Deception. Honesty – But from opposite strangers.
Phrases:
“Why do they build up these stuff in their minds to everything a guy does, then twist it into something else!”
...eventually...
“If a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.”
“I didn’t know what it felt like until I fell for one of them.”
“I’m the exception. ... You, are my exception.”
“I love you so much. I want to make you happy. I need to make you happy. Perhaps for me to even have a shock in making you happy. Will you marry me?”
‘Through all the pain and embarrassment, you never give up.’
Good girls go to heaven (Bad girls go everywhere)
16:24, 111110
When I first saw the phrase, it hit me hard. 85% of my guts told me that, that is what you missed. And perhaps when you start to miss something, you might intend to want to go back there.
Why?
A few questions as we speak, how are guys actually with honesty? Does this happen because you are feeling insecure toward your emancipation from your young and wilder years? Do they really have a heart? If this was a fantasy, how long would they want to live in there? Or is that in this life, compromise in everything is mandatory, not only in a relationship. Just so you don’t know, this is a scary thought.
During your time, you may have done things that you never told me. Perhaps you didn’t want to jeopradize my feelings or the person you know me as. As far as I’m dying to know about what you’ve known throughout your life, I stay respected of your boundaries.
You may like what you like. But whatever you decide, I’m still me. And I’m not going to change myself.
I wish I knew what goes on your head. I’m neither psychic to know what it means, nor do I want any pity from being naive toward certain things. But I do know that, I have feelings.
To accept someone for who you are, is the simplest yet the hardest thing to do. But if the infatuation in you is being overshadowed by the reality that one knows what one needs, let me know. So I don’t have to waste your time. And you don’t have to hurt me even more. For what’s worth, I thank you.
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